October 17, 2010

  • Under Review

    It's been 2.5 years of the post-college life and it's hard to give it a grade right now.  I still haven't felt "at home".  Not even for a second. I was used to flux before, and I feel like I'm still in flux now.  But what's worse is that instead of running forward, I'm more like running in place.

    Clearly not the same short and medium term benchmarks now that were available while making my way through academics.  Progression in any facet of life now really comes down to my opinion, my choices, my mindset, and my mind is a wavering one.

    I'm not sure if I'm even getting better everyday.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm not.  Without getting too much into it, my professional year has been pretty much a wash, glints of notoriety notwithstanding. 

    I'm privileged to have the opportunity to go on vacations and share in fun when available, but those memories do little for me on Sunday evenings.  I'm getting older physically, and mentally, I'm getting even more rough around the edges.  I still have those moments when I can evoke that childlike happy-go-lucky joy from my heart, though.  Laughing uncontrollably just from saying "you're a fancy boy" with a weird accent. 

    What do I need now to go forward, though?  Your choices are slim, and also, pretty difficult to get through the door on.  I'm about to release on this apartment which will put my total stay here at 3+ years when all is said and done.  Maybe next year I'll be closer to some climax, turning-point, whatever.  But I don't know if that's really what I want.  I'm pretty fine with my day to day.  Just taking a step back and looking at it though, the progress isn't there.  But maybe I put in enough heavy lifting early to be able to just gestate more now. 

    I'm sure it's not an uncommon feeling for a lad my age.  Or a lass.  Sunday evenings hit just as brutal as they did in 1995 when I had Pamela Anderson as the wallpaper on our Apple computer.  Now I have a LOST wallpaper that I'm too lazy to change (though I do still change my WORK wallpaper on the DAILY). 

    Tomorrow is year seven of having this blog, though it's suffered lately as maturation evidently transforms motivation into just being jaded.  Also, because I've made comments on most of the stuff in the world that bothers me already.  And, like I've written above, not much progress to report on.

    Maybe one day, I'll come on with something like, "Yeah, transferring to a job in ____. Should be lots to talk about." Or, "Decided to settle down and get a house. Plenty of backyard for a trampoline." Or, "Accidently knocked up ____. Uh oh." Or, "Fired.  Working as a waiter. Going back to community college."  Because regression is progress's funny, but evil cousin.