June 8, 2012

• Thoughts

  I think about killing myself constantly. Because I hate the world right now. It's all celebrity culture and shit that sucks and money and just indulgence. That part of me makes me glad my Max didn't have to grow up in it. I'd hate him having to put up with bully's whose dad's pull in minimum wage and bring beer in with them in their lunch tin. Just fuck it. We're getting worse and worse and worse.

  They say your worst pain possible is losing a child. "They" are the ones who are correct. At least if it's in the military you can pretend that it was for a cause. But a little baby who did NOTHING WRONG and is absolutely perfect? +1 for randomness, -1 for some sort of plan.

  He had beautiful blonde hair. It would have grown blonder over time.

  I cried today watching SportsCenter thinking that I'd never be able to watch a game with him or shoot baskets with him or discuss football with him. Or just dress him in a Cowboys shirt and pretend he loves them as much as I do.

  Part of me wishes I'd just died at 16 days old, and that's the major part of me. So in that regard, he's lucky.

  • 6:48 pm
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