February 22, 2013

• Past Neuroses: Vol. I

  I used to have an obsession with going to Hell. 

  I think it was because my stepdad would always say I would go to Hell.

  And my OCD type techniques and routines were often formed to get to go to Heaven.

  I'd always pray on my knees during the shower, and recite the same prayer in the same order I made it up.

  Go back to bed. Make sure the chair next to my bed was setup, remote 1, remote 2, kleenex, vaseline (for my nose), turn around, touch phone, turn more around touch toy car, then touch the stuffed animals with me.

  I'd occasionally go outside and throw the football to myself. Despite that it's inherently sad that a lonely kid would do this, it's made worse that I would put stakes on things. Like I'd say, "If I catch this ball, I go to Heaven, if not to Hell" and just toss it way up and run to catch it. Catching it however, didn't mean to me that Heaven was guaranteed. just until the next challenge.

  • 7:28 pm
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