Counseling is good. Shouldn't be afraid of it. And when did psychiatric ward become a pejorative?

This weekend I will get a tattoo of the most important human being of my life. I made this guy with my semen and Keri's egg. Unfortunately, he had a bad placenta and had to come out early. He had no sins. I love him to dead. I will worship him as perfect forever. He's my son. Max. I will tattoo his handprint on my back.

His little handprint is right on my back. He is perfect and sinless. He had a bad placenta that starved him. I love him to death. Spend 16 days in an NICU where they say he's fine and then take that phonical. I'm faked for life. PTSD. Projects, work chit, doesn't matter. I just can't care enough. Maybe that's good. But Saturday, Max's hand is on my back. That's MY FUCKING SON. He was damn beautiful. Blonde hair, blue eyes. and he had the luck to die before me. Hardest thing ever. Agree.

Today was a better day. I didn't want to end my self so much.
I went running after work and when I looked up at the sky,I could see my son, Max.
I picked a gorgeous micro-preemie blue and white outfit complete with beanie for Max for his beanie, and as much as my inner logic says it makes no difference, my soul thing says he looks beautiful up there.
Here's what I can comeup with.
If there's no God, fair enough. We're biological, have some implanted morals for survival, and when we die that's that. But you know what, if there's a creator, he should be a good guy. And let 16 day old babies who didn't make his biological rules play up in Heaven upstairs.
There's really no lose for a dying little baby.
If he dies and its a nice good God, he gets to have some good time and be loved by his parens later and just be happy. If it's a bad God, then fuck him, and we're all fucked. If there's no God, then indifferent to all. But Earth is just almost too coincidental for no God. Or are we just happening to live in this coincidence.
You know, I'll never know or convince anyone, so I'll live at my best.
And today while running at the park, I looked up at the beautiful clouds and pictured my beautiful boy in them in his aweome costume I ordered him.
I will get a tattoo commemmoating him. He maid me wail cry. No one makes me wail cry. That dude was amazing. I feel better

Today I was sad and crying alot and hoping that my heart and breath would just stop so I could be with my baby Max. It's not fair that he died and I didn't since I've wanted to die way more and he probably never did. Plus he is cuter and nicer and better than me. Stupid.
I was thinking I could take a lot of energy supplements and then run til my heart gives out.

I want to strangle every 4th or 5th baby that someone has. You know, that babies that are not taken care of and will become serial killers or drug abusers or medicare leaches. Life was never said to be fair, but I could design if a whole lot of a fuck better than whoever has so far. My baby had the most beautiful face and hair and I'm sure brain to match. It's 2012 and you can't fix that shit.

They put on his office cause of death "Respiratory Failure". It's just a placeholder til his autopsy comes in. He was on ventilator and everything, so that's no respiratory failure. I want a one-on-one meeting with the doctor where I say, "You wanna see respiratory failure? Here ya go" and choke the life out of him.

I know they have the jobs where your worst day ever is their regular day, but still. I want MORE. MORE MORE MORE. I want social security to give me money for life for dealing with this on the daily and not for someone with no money losing their 8th child to that prenatal alcohol syndrome thing.

We did EVERYTHING. Everything medicine could provide. I'd give all my arms just for him to be with me right now and so I could watch him from my bed. I'd obviously give my life because that's easier than my arms.

Jesus is the savior for a lot of people but I think they made a mistake designing him. People like Batman, Superman, Thor, Spiderman. Whoeever. Thor. People that FOUGHT against odds and just kept fighting until eventually going down. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid went down shooting.

My stepdad when I was a child tortured me about blaspheming - said I'd go to hell forever. That literally stayed with me for a decade if not more. Don't fuck with kids, alright. It's not worth it. Not to anyone. Not for laughs. Not for anything.

When my son was in the NICU, my dream was that he'd be ough to watch the first Cowboys game of the season with me. It's not happening. It should have happened. Modern medicine conditioned me to think it would. People's faces are bitten off by babboons and crack addicts and they turn out alright, but my baby on constant watch doesn't? Fuck you.

I know doctors. I went to college too. They're nothing special. Just decided to coast through the tests in that particular major. But the results of their major are that much more cataclysmic.  It's more than painful. It's more than unfair. It's just UNRIGHT. This could would have done good for the world. Parents with SAT scores of 1460 & 1490 (old school scoring). Money to spare. Pure Love to give.

This random ball of matter deserves some props for growing self-aware life, but it might have been better off just imploding.

I think about killing myself constantly. Because I hate the world right now. It's all celebrity culture and shit that sucks and money and just indulgence. That part of me makes me glad my Max didn't have to grow up in it. I'd hate him having to put up with bully's whose dad's pull in minimum wage and bring beer in with them in their lunch tin. Just fuck it. We're getting worse and worse and worse.

They say your worst pain possible is losing a child. "They" are the ones who are correct. At least if it's in the military you can pretend that it was for a cause. But a little baby who did NOTHING WRONG and is absolutely perfect? +1 for randomness, -1 for some sort of plan.

He had beautiful blonde hair. It would have grown blonder over time.

I cried today watching SportsCenter thinking that I'd never be able to watch a game with him or shoot baskets with him or discuss football with him. Or just dress him in a Cowboys shirt and pretend he loves them as much as I do.

Part of me wishes I'd just died at 16 days old, and that's the major part of me. So in that regard, he's lucky.

Things with my baby Max did not work out as had hoped.
Please go to www.MaxTheBaby.com for more info, plenty over there.
I'll continue writing here maybe to vent and cry and go insane.

Rest In Peace my baby Max.

This blog is now over. After almost 10 years, and 1000s and 1000s of posts. I gotta end it.
Because, I'm becoming a father. Fathers don't continue blogs they've had since college!? They do blogs about being a father. And I might start something like that. Getting Engaged, Having a Kid, those kind of stories don't belong next to stories about sleeping in bushes in Beaumont or Chinese roommates with blue briefs.

But, let me think of this, from a father point of view, if my young son (Max, age: 5 months in utero) ever puts out some literary content in whatever form is popular for his time and it reaches 1500 plus posts and uncovers countless uncouth jokes. I'd be very proud of him.

So, it is the end for this Endless Mike. But keep a lookout for a blog from some MadMax30 in a few years.

EndlessMike03- OUT

After listening to Ricky Gervais for 100s and 100s of hours on podcast, I may have maybe made him laugh today in return.

He said he was filming some ad to stop testing on animals, and I used my super brain to remember a specific bit on the old XFM show and tweeted it at him and ka-blam:

Another good thing I like about RG is that he didn't have a proper job til 28, and didn't get into comedy til 38. That is inspirational to an aging dude like me.

What's my biggest problem with the world today? The internet has almost gotten TOO powerful. Like, everything and everything^infinity is on there now. And centric.

Like, I can illegally stream a basketball game to watch a young Chinese-American sensation.

On the subject of Jeremy Lin, last year, my dude on 2K11 played for the Knicks, and in my brain he had a very similar out-of-nowhere rise as Jeremy Lin. Ta-da.

After changes upon changes, we are more or less the same. After changes, we are more or less the same.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to work for a bit and then run at the park. You can quote me on that. Literally, please do.

I'll start writing on here, more. With a centric-subject. Don't quote me on that one, though.