Pranks. Sometimes, I think they're God's gift to mankind. You do them. You love them. You praise the ground upon which you walk for being able to rejoice in hilarity. The first prankster was this snake. He was like, "Hey, eat this delicious apple." Then these suckers did it. I think the snake had a great life after that laughing.

I've been known to prank in my day. Even before my days. Since time immemorial.  Like, even as far back as 2005.

A good prank is like lightning.  The idea just strikes. There's no predicting it.

For instance...

Setting: My apartment complex.
I have just arrived home after a wedding/reception/cleaning up/being the Clint Eastwood (appears out of nowhere and sorts stuff out while being an ultimate badass) of weddings. I am a bit tired. Dancing that involves mostly hopping takes a lot out of a man.

I get a text from my girlfriend. She has decided to get me Subway before coming over. How sweet, I think. Maybe I'll just go on inside and wait for herrr.... NO! Plan. But not a prank plan... yet.

Subway is walking distance away from my apartment. I'll just go over and meet her. See, because I'm nice. (count that as a lightning strike of sweetness).

So, I walk over and see her car in the parking lot. Take a quick look inside Subway and see that she's preparing drinks and the like, fixing to come out. *thunder rumbles* I go to her car and try to open her front door... and it's... UNLOCKED! *LIGHTNING CRASHES*

Now, what to do, what to do. Two roads diverged in a wood...

Option 1) Just sit in her passenger's seat. She'll come out and think, "Oh I left my car unlocked and Michael got in." Comedy Value: C

Option 2) Hide in the back and scare her! Comedy Value: A+++

Please note: doing nothing is not an option, and has a comedy value of N/A.

So, I go in the back, lay there, and wait, like a great snow leopard stalking an antelope. I even send a text from the backseat to her to distract further.  Then, I see she's coming. Goal now, don't get seen.

Alas, I am not. She opens her door, starts getting in, and then sets the drinks in the cupholder (meaning the operation is a go as I will not cause any unfortunate spills with my attack).

Option 1) Scream! This will startle her instantly and has a great comedy value.
Option 2) Just reach out and touch her. This will startle her super alot, and she'll instinctively think she's about to be attacked. Also, I was kind of tired and didn't feel like screaming.

I went with Option 2. Cue a gasp, sudden realization that it's me, instantly does all the math in her head (I walked over, she somehow had her door unlocked, I'm awesome), I'm laughing, she's panting/recovering/defibrillating, the world is a better funnier place, and we even have Subway! Win to the infinity.

If you're happy and you know it post a blog!

I will present one example of a few different things that I like.

Thing I like number 1: Facts! Here's an interesting fact.
Do you like to take cod liver oil tablets? Or even shark liver oil tablets?
I like the shark liver oil tablets because a shark could kill about 1,000 cods per day. So, do I want the power of a victim or the power of a killer beast that's been around for millions of years? Rhetorical.
Well, the way they get the liver oil from these things is by cooking the fatty tissues of the fish during the production of fish meal.

That fact was boring. I'd rather picture them pulling a shark into the boat, injecting them, pulling out the liver, and throwing it back.  The problem there is that you might get an alcoholic shark with a bad liver. Then you take the pills, and YOU get a bad liver.

I take a lot of vitamins.

Thing I like number 2: New inventions! Let's see what new inventions are out.
Here is one that is a headset you wear that interprets facial impressions and makes them into speech:

Unfortunately, experiments on the effectiveness of the invention failed, as the only expression the test subjects seemed to make was, "Why the fuck am I wearing this stupid thing on my face?"

Thing I like number 3: Things that are funny, and also things that are memories, and memories that become things that are funny.
For example, I rolled up this giant bit of paper today and I wanted to hit my cube neighbor with it. I would never harm him though, so instead I just walked over and he was like, "What are you doing?" and I was like, "I'm going to bop you on the head."
Then I went all LIGHTBULB! Then QUESTION MARK!(?)
My mind was all steam of consciousness like: bopping people? on the head? being a child? nursery rhyme? was there a rabbit? "Hey, isn't there some thing about bopping people on the head?" Yeah, it must be a rabbit. But what is it? Hmm. I know, internet.
So I searched for bopping on head and lyrics. And I found out, OF COURSE, it was all Little Bunny Foo Foo. I'm approximately 99% sure that I had the Little Bunny Foo Foo song on this tape I used to listen to when I was a kid. I was about four, lived in an apartment with my mom, had dinosaur sheets, and this tape that had probably Little Bunny Foo Foo and definitely "The Ants Go Marching".
Then I was hit by how funny the name Little Bunny Foo Foo was, how this fairy threatened to turn Foo Foo into a "goon" (one of my alltime favorite words), and how great the world is, so I proceeded to think and talk and sing and dance about Little Bunny Foo Foo all day.
I started a great picture of the story of Little Bunny Foo Foo but I will need extra time to complete.

These are just a few things I like. There are loads more. For another day.

I have come up with atleast 2 excellent sci-fi plots. I think I will write them and submit them to magazines online. You can get $.06 a word for submitting to Asimov's science fiction.

The first plot is about this chick who is pregnant, but the baby has super powers. And the baby is like inside of her doing cool stuff. Like the nurse comes with the ultrasound machine thing, and the baby makes the paddle hit her in the face. It has humor in it, see. I don't know if I want to take it more dark or light-hearted. I always thought it would be an awesome sci-fi story if at the end, the chick was in labor and the baby comes out, but it is strangled by the umbilical cord, and get this, the cord was tied into a noose! And then like a few minutes later a nuclear bomb detonates. GOLD.

The second story involves a guy who goes and gets a CAT scan. And the doctor is looking at the results, all quiet like, and is like HMMMM. The patient is like, "What's up, doctor?" and the doctor is like, "I'm not sure, never seen anything quite like this." So he orders the patient to get an MRI, and the patient is a bit worried. And then the doctor calls other doctors to come look at the image, and then you get to see the image (it would work for TV too) and there's a little gremlin running around inside the guys head!

I think the doctors want to operate on the guy, but the gremlin doesn't want to be taken out, so he pulls some nerves and makes the guy start punching the doctor. Eventually, they just make this guy take some medicine to put the gremlin asleep. 

These stories will be better when I write them out longer.

It'd be nice to be in a cabana type thing by the beach with the windows open, drinking a fruity drink with an umbrella on the side of the beach. Or even just drinking a Corona like on the commercials.

The farthest south I've ever been is Key West. And I was a young lad at the time; too young to partake in the reindeer games that usually happen on beach holidays.

Mad Max's dog is super cool.

It is an Australian Cattle Dog. They seem low maintenance and helpful in the movies. They have high energy levels, and active minds - JUST LIKE ME!

I think I will get one one day, but neither of my dog names (Rumpelstiltskin and Worf) really fit for it, so I'll have to come up with another. Maybe something like Atlas. He holds the world on his shoulders.

What's more depressing than a Sunday night? Since atleast 1995, I've been against it. Maybe it can be good one day. But for now you reminisce on the good of the weekend and dread the upcoming week.

That's why I think that every so often, like once every 10 years, the world should just shift the work week a day. So you start work on a Tuesday, and the weekend is Sunday and Monday. Everyone would hate Mondays still, but for a different reason. But that's sort of just treating the symptoms rather than the disease.

So many people I know work in the medical world. Including new people that I meet. I guess it's good, but it's sort of like teaching and other professions that are just reciprocal. People keep getting born, so they keep getting sick, so you keep treating them, and then some are born that will start treating other people.  I guess there are some permanent advantages.  When I spelled "born" just now, I accidentally typed in "porn". Old habits...

I guess every occupation is sort of feeding itself though in a way. I only sort out how to make gasoline related products becuase people are born, want to drive around, want to fuel stuff, die eventually.  Except my occupation isn't nearly as interesting. Unlike hospitals etc., no one is there dying. Well, not explicitly.

Maybe one day it'll be a Sunday night, and you're putting kids to bed and that, and riding your hoverboard, and then I'll use a computer controlled by my brain and blog something about how Sunday nights are alright. Or how maybe they still suck despite flying cars.

Can't wait for hoverboards. Will probably end up riding them all the time, like 4 times a day.

Some people say they don't understand how I get up so early for work every day (voluntarily). I think I'm the only dude under 40 that comes in at 6:00.  I am rewarded by getting to leave early.

It is just one example of my philosophy of getting stuff over with.  Like, when it's 9:00 at work, I've been there ages and some people have loads of hours to go. So I'm ahead in the long run. But then they're like "Well I got extra sleep." and I'm like, so what, that's the past. The past is past.

Always get things done when you get the chance, kids.  Today I'm going to work at normal super early time voluntarily. I am just going a bit later because I have to wait for Kroger to open. Scam. They used to be open 24/7 and I'd go in all the time to buy cool snacks.

See, I'm going to go to work for a few hours, go running, clean my house, and that should just be around 2pm.  TALK ABOUT GETTING SHIT DONE.

Then I can work on some of my side projects like this cool drawing I started yesterday.  Or anything else that tickles my fancy. All because I woke up early.

Used to be, I could meet a girl, date a bit and that, do the things kids do in the bedroom, become facebook relationships or whatever, but then within a month or so I'm bored and out of it. No emotion on my side.

Somehow, someway, this changed circa my birthday existential crisis. I CARE. I FREAKIN CARE. Nothing is fading. It stopped being formulaic. I just keep going and keep enjoying and keep getting butterflies where I should have been getting frowns and scowls.

WHAT THE HELL.

Technology is some of the greatest stuff in the world. I think almost everything I do in a day has something to do with technology. Eat (food cooked and bought with technology). Read (everything is online). Go places (take a car). Sex (sophisticated latex in the doll).

My most recent (like 5 minutes ago) awesome use of technology has to do with an OLD PROBLEM... that has reared it's ugly head again! Since I was a little boy, I used to GRIND my teeth. RARR RARR RARR. My baby teeth were miniscule because of this and my family would chide me and ruin my self-esteem. And I thought I stopped grinding as I got older and got braces. But alas, I think I still do. The stress of modern life and trying to keep up with the Joneses is putting its panic straight onto my jaw. An innocent passerby who noticed me sleeping confirmed the grinding recently.

AND... now I somehow have a chipped tooth!

Notice this monstrosity, but, if you are a child, avert your eyes!

LOOK AWAY! I'M HIDEOUS!

Now, I don't have time to waste in getting this sorted. I have a friend in every medical profession, but like, none of them are practicing just yet. So I will have to find an expert dentist somewhere in Houston.

But, I'm not into the whole luck of the draw thing. Because I'll probably draw some dentist who was trained in 1950 in Japan, on Chinese POWs. And he'll be like,  "Okay, let me just sharpen my guillotine, in the meantime, here's some Agent Orange for the pain."

No thanks, and hold the vivisection. So I e-mailed this dental group in my insurance network with a lot of young/old people from varying skillsets, and I attached the picture of my mangled tooth. I said, here, let your best person take care of me. Tell you what, I'll even pay for it.

I can't wait til I can post a quality "after" picture of me smiling with my gold tooth blingin'. Thanks, HoodDentristy.com! (<-- not nearly as cool as you'd hope).

Alright, inspired by my friends' recent twin gestation including twin-saving laser surgery, I have worked out a brilliant plot.

I was told I couldn't make any of the twins evil, so I had to think even harder, but it might even work BETTER.  See, challenges can help the creative process.

Okay, so the real life part of the story involves this:
Girl and dude, and the girl is pregnant with identical twin girls. About 20 weeks in, they find out they have Twin-To-Twin-Transfusion-Syndrome (already a kickass science fiction ailment) where one twin is getting too much life fluid and the other is getting too little! So the doctors go in with a powerful laser (already a kickass science fiction element), do some choppy-chop, even up the vessels, sew it up, and go play golf.

NOW, is where you have to start thinking about the incredible plot I developed. Ask yourself, WHY were these two twins stricken with this ailment? Chance? Bad luck? BORING! Think again: Enemy from the future!

I have opened the curtain now and shown that this story involves time travel. However, let me explain that it is the type of time travel best for movies, where the people in the future who are trying to control the past, still have to like make sure things are going alright or something? You know, like they send back Terminator, and they should know INSTANTLY in the future whether or not it works because it would have happened already. But that's not fun for movies. So my movie is the fun time.

ALRIGHT, so the time travel available is very minimal.  The future enemies only had a small window to affect the past, it was after the conception of the twins, so they couldn't just do away with the mom or an ancestor, and also I don't think they had the ability to use any guns, so they just had like some special future medicine thing, alright. So, they went back in time and gave the twins the Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome, hoping that it would KILL THEM! Why? That becomes more apparent later in the story but spoiler alert, in the future these twins are super powerful in the world and stop the evil-doers from doing their plans of evil, etc. So that's why the evil doers didn't want them around.

So, they give the Twin-to-twin-transfusion-syndrome, but it is reversed by doctors. End of story and things will happen as they did before (the twins become super cool rulers of the world)? NOT NECESSARILY, because the smallest changes in the past can make the biggest ramifications in the future.

SO, the GOOD GUYS from the future have to still make sure that the twins grow up on a similar path that they would have without the EVIL GUYS screwing with the past.  Let's say there was like some big event (similar to The Enchantment Under The Sea Dance) where the twins went from normal people to super powerful good people.  So, the GOOD GUYS send this robot thing back in time to help the twins along their path. It is a robot that is shaped like a dog.  It can only bark, but it has a smart brain like a proper robot.

So this robot dog, we'll call him Robo-Dog has to watch over the twins and ensure that despite what the evil dudes did with going back in time, everything will turn out alright.

Fill in some hilarious dialogue, Robo-Dog biting the mailman on the crotch, some hot teenage twin girls, and this is the Sci-Fi thriller of a lifetime!

Everyone is always talking about the best way to kill a man. But, no one talks about the best way to help a man be happy. Here are some ways:

1) Give him a lovely flower you picked.
2) When you see him in the hall, pat him on the shoulder and say, "Keep up the good work, fella."
3) If you see him at the vending machine, say "Looking for a snack, huh?"
4) If you see him doing yardwork, come over and stand near, and say, "What kind of lawnmower is that? A Binford."
5) Bring him a casserole you have extra of.
6) If you see his dog roaming free and into your yard, call the dog catcher on it.
7) If he asks you a question, tut and reply as if it's the stupidest question you've ever heard.
8) If you find out he has a terminal disease, say something like, "Oh, well that's too bad, but you know..."
9) Ask him about his car, pinpoint the component of his vehicle that is worse than yours, then attack.
10) Ask him how much he paid for Item A. Upon hearing, suck in air while your teeth are clenched. Ask him his yearly salary and goad until he gives in, then reply "ouch".

These tips are great.