So many of my emotions are governed by schadenfreude and then the bastardized-version freudenschade. Makes me so angry when I see good things happen to people. A somewhat-ex-type-person had a baby thing and I'm honked off. Then I eat peanut butter. All natural of course. Very few carbs. Negligable really. It's my ketogenic diet.
I want to sit in a cabin in Wisconsin in winter for a few months and think about things. I wonder how little decisions spiraled outwards. Somehow things work out.
I think usually things work out because I smile a lot and have good positive energy. If you sit and think about it, and then watch someone, it's not very often that people actually come out with a positive vibe. I see lots of bitching and moaning. And even an accomplishment is written off as just a hurdle to the next problem. I don't like that, and I tend not to be like that.
Did you know that when someone tells me good morning, my automatic default answer is "Hey, good morning." I can't help it.
I'm going to write some more about homeless people and urinals later. I like writing, and it's easy because I'm certified as a 114 wpm typer. Thank you AOL Instant Messenger of the 1990s. But, lots of people used that, but somehow I ended up as a great typer. Imagine if I had tried something worthwhile with my fingers like piano. There's another timewarp spiral tentacle to investigate.
I'm feeling really sentimental tonight. I remember it being 2006 and I lived in that old woman's house, and I'd spend nights scouring MySpace feeling sentimental, so it's nothing new. I don't know what I want out of sentimentality and the actions that follow. I think I want everyone to just think the way I do. To appreciate everything with the depth I feel I do. To want to rip backwards through time and embrace it all one more time.
I think it was because my stepdad would always say I would go to Hell.
And my OCD type techniques and routines were often formed to get to go to Heaven.
I'd always pray on my knees during the shower, and recite the same prayer in the same order I made it up.
Go back to bed. Make sure the chair next to my bed was setup, remote 1, remote 2, kleenex, vaseline (for my nose), turn around, touch phone, turn more around touch toy car, then touch the stuffed animals with me.
I'd occasionally go outside and throw the football to myself. Despite that it's inherently sad that a lonely kid would do this, it's made worse that I would put stakes on things. Like I'd say, "If I catch this ball, I go to Heaven, if not to Hell" and just toss it way up and run to catch it. Catching it however, didn't mean to me that Heaven was guaranteed. just until the next challenge.