August 21, 2008

  • The Married Life

    I was thinking earlier, that my ex-girlfriends seem to go on to long, fulfilling relationships after accidently dating me.  This has resulted in atleast one marriage.  Translation: theoretically, in time-line only, I could be married right now.  And that would be great. Right?

    Wrong.

    For example.  What did I do after work yesterday?
    Fact: I did not speak a single word after I left work at 4:30.  Not one.  I went to the gym, watched my Cash Cab while running.  Came home.  Ate Foreman Grilled Tilapia with a side of brussel sprouts and a dessert of grapenuts, and I layed on my couch while looking at stuff online and watching The Office with audio commentary.  In summary, a perfect evening.

    Now, what would my average Wednesday evening be like if I was married?  Let's explore in the form of a screenplay....

    [Michael enters his apartment after coming home from a long day of work, followed by the gym.]

    Wife: Oh, welcome home, honey.  How was work today?
    Michael: It was okay, I guess.

    [Wife leans in for kiss.  Michael grudgingly obliges.]

    Wife: I thought I would make some lasagna for dinner tonight.
    Michael: Really?  I kind of just want some brussel sprouts and cereal. 
    Wife: But I'm already cooking it.
    Michael: You can eat it if you want.  I don't like stuff with lactose. Oh, here's my gym bag. 

    [Michael drops gym bag on floor, then points to the gym bag, followed by pointing to the washing machine. Michael then goes and lays on couch, grabs his laptop, and sets it on his chest.]

    Wife: So, what do you want to do tonight? I thought maybe we could watch America's Top Model together.  Or maybe snuggle up and watch a movie.
    Michael: Yeah, I figured I'd go ahead and watch The Office with audio commentary.
    Wife: But you've watched The Office every morning and evening for the last three weeks.
    Michael: Yeah, I know.  It's pretty cool.

    [Later, Wife comes over and motions that she wants to sit on couch next to Michael.   Michael sighs, then slowly moves from a laying position to a sitting one.]

    Wife: Don't you have a four day weekend coming up for Labor Day?  Maybe we can take a little trip.
    Michael:  Yeah, maybe.
    Wife: I was thinking we could drive out to the Texas Hill Country.  Stay in a nice Bed-And-Breakfast.
    Michael: You know, I don't really like to plan that far ahead.  Plus, the vacation budget's running a little low.  These Office DVDs don't pay for themselves.

    [Flash forward two months.  Michael arrives home to find wife sitting at table with divorce papers.]

    Michael: Oh. Yeah. Um, where did you file those prenuptial agreements?

    [THE END]

Comments (2)

  • Urgh! *smacks head*

    This is such interesting insight into what guys think! Because to me, the wife is just caring.. you know.. "here's some lasagna. let's snuggle!"

    But REALLY, guys are so simple! Really, you are all so simple that it's complicated! I would think "why doesnt he want to kiss me? Does he not love me anymore? He needs to mean it!"

    So after reading your blog, I've concluded that all women need two men. The first husband can go to work all the time and watch "the office" while the other one can cater to all her womanly needs. And they can switch when it gets to boring or something. Problem solved!

  • @wynnw - I don't really claim to speak for all men in the above dramatization.  I'm.... a little twisted.

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