November 3, 2013

  • 10 Years

    This blog has been up 10 years. It's been a fucking rough 10 years. As a kid in my college dorm, wouldn't have seen it coming. Wouldn't have wanted it to come this way. Lots of worry, and pain, and more. And I'm spit out at the end of it, laying in a barren apartment on the floor on a depressing Sunday evening. Sunday evening: the bane of my existence since way back when. Always hated it.

    This stuff hurts. My stomach feels gut punch and I don't like it.
    I've got this blog and www.maxthebaby.com to show for my life right now.
    That's it. That's all.

October 8, 2013

  • New Idioms

    "The more things change, the more they suck the same" - Me

    About a guy at work: "[Blank] is like a two year old. All I expect from him are shit and crying, and I just need to distract him enough to get some stuff done." - Me

    About replacing a guy on your project. "You can give me Peyton Manning on my HS football team. There's only so much he can do right now if he doesn't know the plays."

    There are more too. I've decided to express myself like this. Beats actual examples of actual work to get my point across. Apparently. From my anecdotal evidence.

June 22, 2013

  • Hard To Find

    There are so many things in the past I wish I could do over. 

    I'm not better than I ever was, but obviously I know more.
    I just think I'm a good person and can make things better.
    It hurts sometimes. 
    So many different paths of life.
    Just like a shot in a basketball game, a single thought can change the direction of life.
    It's always going to come to me, at different times.
    Always.
    I just wish everyone knew everything I want them to know.
    But humanity doesn't work that way.
    It can't, right now.
    It doesn't want to. 
    Videogames, you can set save points. 
    Not in real life.
    Biologically, I'm what I'd have always been.
    My branch could have been different, much different.
    And that's based on my own actions to a point. 
    And that scares me.
    I have 100% control of my life.
    That's a lot of responsibility.
    I picked my job 100% on gut instinct.
    I could have done another, and a whole different path.
    Parallel me could be better or worse.
    There's a parallel me that grew up in Poland.
    This shit mystifies me.
    I just have to do the best with what I have IN FRONT of me.
    I have to do that.
    I owe it to the universe. 
    Please.
    Please.
    Please.
    P.S. - I'm sorry. 

June 2, 2013

  • This Week

    I'll say this was a hard week.

    I feel like Charles Bukowski, Tennessee Williams, and William Faulkner in a blender put on high spin.
    I need to get out of this place. I'm not cut out for 60 hour work weeks for 10 months.
    I may not even be cut out for 40 hour work weeks!
    Uh oh. 
    I want you to live forever.
    I remember being in the back of a car once.
    And Blur's "Country House" was playing. A lot of the best stuff happens when sleeping in the back of a car with parents driving. That's the safest someone can ever feel.

April 17, 2013

  • Music Is My Aeroplane

    In around 1994, when I spent lots of summers at my grandparent's house in Mississippi, I discovered the album "Monster" by R.E.M. in my Uncle Bert's room.

    I listened to "What's the Frequency, Kenneth?" probably 100 times on repeat.
    Flash forward 20 years, and I've been doing it again! It's just too good.
    Also I've been listening to this aweosme "remix" of Losing My Religion where they switched the major and minor chords. I think that means the deep piano keys and the fun chirpy ones.

    Major Scaled #2 : REM - "Recovering My Religion" from major scaled on Vimeo.

February 26, 2013

  • German Words

    So many of my emotions are governed by schadenfreude and then the bastardized-version freudenschade. Makes me so angry when I see good things happen to people. A somewhat-ex-type-person had a baby thing and I'm honked off. Then I eat peanut butter. All natural of course. Very few carbs. Negligable really. It's my ketogenic diet.

    I want to sit in a cabin in Wisconsin in winter for a few months and think about things. I wonder how little decisions spiraled outwards. Somehow things work out.
    I think usually things work out because I smile a lot and have good positive energy. If you sit and think about it, and then watch someone, it's not very often that people actually come out with a positive vibe. I see lots of bitching and moaning. And even an accomplishment is written off as just a hurdle to the next problem. I don't like that, and I tend not to be like that. 
    Did you know that when someone tells me good morning, my automatic default answer is "Hey, good morning." I can't help it.  
    I'm going to write some more about homeless people and urinals later. I like writing, and it's easy because I'm certified as a 114 wpm typer. Thank you AOL Instant Messenger of the 1990s. But, lots of people used that, but somehow I ended up as a great typer. Imagine if I had tried something worthwhile with my fingers like piano. There's another timewarp spiral tentacle to investigate.
    I'm feeling really sentimental tonight. I remember it being 2006 and I lived in that old woman's house, and I'd spend nights scouring MySpace feeling sentimental, so it's nothing new. I don't know what I want out of sentimentality and the actions that follow. I think I want everyone to just think the way I do. To appreciate everything with the depth I feel I do. To want to rip backwards through time and embrace it all one more time.

February 22, 2013

  • Past Neuroses: Vol. I

    I used to have an obsession with going to Hell. 

    I think it was because my stepdad would always say I would go to Hell.
    And my OCD type techniques and routines were often formed to get to go to Heaven.
    I'd always pray on my knees during the shower, and recite the same prayer in the same order I made it up.
    Go back to bed. Make sure the chair next to my bed was setup, remote 1, remote 2, kleenex, vaseline (for my nose), turn around, touch phone, turn more around touch toy car, then touch the stuffed animals with me.
    I'd occasionally go outside and throw the football to myself. Despite that it's inherently sad that a lonely kid would do this, it's made worse that I would put stakes on things. Like I'd say, "If I catch this ball, I go to Heaven, if not to Hell" and just toss it way up and run to catch it. Catching it however, didn't mean to me that Heaven was guaranteed. just until the next challenge.

February 7, 2013

  • Here and Now

    Tomorrow is my 28th birthday.

    But where is my existential crisis?
    I think they've been replaced by real crises.
    Blessing and a curse.
    But it only takes about 30 seconds and pictures of Max to show myself that I just can't give a damn anymore.

February 1, 2013

  • Ascent

    He walked through the woods, leaves crunching beneath his feet.

    In a clearing, he looked up toward the moon.
    Stars swirled around the sky as he spread his arms.
    He arched his back, threw his head backward, and began his ascent.

January 17, 2013

  • Tunnel

    Tunnel of Black 

    Spinning in Reverse
    Flickers of bright
    Floating away from the light